Men are from Mars, Women go to Cadburys

Do you ever feel that you don't understand the man in your life? Do you, perchance, feel that it's hard to communicate with the opposite sex? Well, worry no longer, for, as a reknowned expert on misunderstandings, contretemps and, indeed, divorce, I have decided to step into the fray and provide the world, and most particularly Dulwich, with a quick translation service.

What a woman says:

Darling, I love it! I'm taking it back to the shops the moment they open

You shouldn't have! You should have, and weeks ago

I love you This could be it - with a little work, you really might be a decent prospect

I wouldn't change a thing about you Except all your clothes, your mother and most of your friends, apart from the ones I don't mind flirting with

It would be lovely to spend more time together Because I'm having a few doubts, and this is probably your last chance

Let's have a lovely romantic dinner Because I want to check whether you chew with your mouth open. If you do, it's curtains

Darling, I think you're having doubts Oh my God! Thank God I didn't marry this one

It's not you, it's me It's sooooo you

I'm just not right for you You're not right for me

I'm holding you back You're holding me back

I'll always care about you I'm changing the locks

I wish you well If you fell under a bus, I'd do the rhumba

What a man says:

Whoops, I put my phone on silent Don't ring me

My phone ran out of juice Don't ring me

I left my phone at the office Don't ring me

You'll see me tomorrow No you won't

See you later No you won't

I'm on my way No I'm not

The train was late No it wasn't

I've already eaten With someone else

I have to get up early for an important meeting With someone else

I've got to rush Get off me!

I'll call you later No I won't

I love you Will that shut you up?

I'm not right for you You're not right for me

Let's stay friends Because I might be desperate for sex at some point

There, my darlings, now we all understand each other perfectly. Don't say I never do anything for you. I do hope it'll be a help as you skip through this game we call life. I personally think it explains an awful lot. Particularly the huge recent rise in Cadbury's profits. Now, where did I put those chocolate buttons?