Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Words women use

As you know, I am an old hand at the Battle of the Sexes. If they were giving out medals for those who have entered this particular field of combat and emerged, bloodied but unbowed, I would have the Distinguished Service Order several times by now. Sometimes, as part of my continued effort to understand the enemy, ahem, work with the other side, I sneak behind their lines and bring back anything that might be useful to the rest of us ladies fighting the good fight. On my last mission, I came across this dog-eared scrap of paper, handed to me by my dear friend E, who risked her life finding it. It turns out our menfolk have actually been listening to us and trying to develop a rough translation guide! Aren't they adorable? Now read on:

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine'.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you! Do not question, or faint. Just say 'you're welcome'. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.


Aren't they just so sweet, the dears? I would just like to add, for any man who hasn't quite got it yet, that if you provoke a woman into saying 'fine' often enough, she will probably divorce you. I mean, der!

20 comments:

Lorraine said...

Oh I loved it...had me laughing out loud. How true ot was also.

Shabby Chick said...

Love it! I use whatever on my four year old as well but unfortunately she keeps saying it back to me :-S

Mel x

Dancinfairy said...

All true, although they should know that already. At least my husband has cottoned on that if I say 'nothing' it means something.

We are such complicated amazing creatures are we not?

Littlemummy said...

Haha so true, I say every one of those and they mean exactly what you say :)

mumplustwo said...

Hilarious! Spent 10 years saying 'fine' when it wasn't ... and 'whatever' more regularly than Paris Hilton. Thanks for this -has really made me smile.

SandyCalico said...

So true. Although I would never tell my OH to whatever. The silent treatment works just as well!

Suburbia said...

Love it! So true.

JennyMac said...

Oh, this is TOO funny (and spot on for some of the women in my family...LOL)

Ladybird World Mother said...

Brilliant!!! Utterly utterly true, each and every one. I think I say most of those each day to my Husband...he generally gets it... certainly looks worried when I say, 'Nothing.' Marvellous post!

TheBlonde said...

OMG we have an infiltrator. Or could this mean (shudder) there is a man with emotional intelligence and (shudder again) perception out there?
Girls - we need to join forces and track down this dangerous individual.

Jo Beaufoix said...

So true. And you finished the list perfectly. :D

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Number 9 applies to my husband, great statements and all very true.

CJ xx

Chic Mama said...

I LOVED this post, so true, so true its scary.
I have come to hate the word fine.
I have tagged you in a Meme to describe yourself in seven words.
Chic Mama

dulwich divorcee said...

Hi Lorraine, thanks for popping by, love the fish thing on your blog btw!

dulwich divorcee said...

Hi Shabby, just been over to your blog and it's sooo not shabby - so pretty! Yes, whatever is very habit-forming I'm afraid ...

dulwich divorcee said...

Dancinfairy, your husband sounds like one of the clever ones!! We are indeed complicated, amazing creatures - and gorgeous with it! Oh, and modest ....

dulwich divorcee said...

Hi lovely Littlemummy, lovely to see you, hope all's well and that the jetlag is gone ...

dulwich divorcee said...

Hi mumplustwo, yes, it's quite a relief when you don't have to say 'fine' any more ......

dulwich divorcee said...

Hi SandyCalico, ah, the silent treatment! Another classic that should have been in the list ...thank you!

Suburbia, many thanks, I shall take a little curtsey


Hi and welcome, JennyMac, thanks for stopping by!

Hi Ladybird World Mother, what a fab name! Glad your husband is aware of the awesome power of 'nothing'!

Hi TheBlonde, lovely to see you, and you know, I don't think we need to worry. If there was a man out there with emotional intelligence, he is definitely now extinct ....

Jo, lovely to see you, and thanks!

Why thank you, lovely CJ xx

Oooh, Chic Mama, a tag! I shall pop over to your place forthwith x

Insomniac Mummy said...

Never a truer word spoken!

Heheee!